Sophie - One Year Thoughts and Reflections
Pregnancy and Giving Birth
In the early months of my pregnancy, let’s just say it wasn’t easy. When you are in the middle of it, it’s hard to think about anything else. I had normal amounts of nausea and tiredness but they drained me. Luckily, after the 14th week or so, I felt back to my normal self...sort of. After that I really look back at pregnancy fondly. Even now sometimes I miss being pregnant if you can believe that.
Then the miracle of birth was coming! When people asked if I was ready to give birth, my thought was always “It’s easier to take care of her on the inside than out”. I was comfortable. I was nervous. I was excited. I was four days late and awaiting Sophie’s arrival. The contractions became stronger and more consistent throughout the evening and at 1am my water broke. Off to the hospital we went. Once we got there, that is when the painful contractions started and I was ready for my epidural! After that it was a breeze. We “rested” until 10am, then I pushed for an hour and out she came. Our little alien baby was born and we were ready to introduce her to the world.
Recovery was not as “easy” as everything else had been thus far. I was so tired from the labor and delivery and just wanted to sleep. But for the most part I had a baby that wanted to eat and I was "the kitchen." Not to mention the 6-week recovery was painful at times.
Breastfeeding and feeling like a failure
I never truly felt I got the hang of the breastfeeding thing. It was so disappointing in the end. I had this feeling of inadequacy, like I wasn’t able to fulfill my motherly duty. Breastfeeding is supposed to be this beautiful, natural thing that has allowed all our babies to grow and thrive. To me, it never felt beautiful or anything close to natural. It wasn’t like I was alone - I had so many people offering to help and resources to use, but I didn’t even know how to get through it.
According to anyone that was an expert, the latch looked good from the outside, but it hurt intensely on my right side. I would cry, curl my toes, and writhe in pain every time she ate on that side. I was anxious after every feeding knowing that I would have to do it again in a few short hours or even minutes. I went to a few lactation consultants who said Sophie might have a tongue tie (she didn’t), that she had a very “chompy bite” (she did) and that she was obviously getting enough because she was having dirty diapers and growing. They all asked if I ever had trauma to that breast, but I didn’t...I felt like there needed to be a more simple answer but no one could see it.
I stopped feeding Sophie at the breast after 2.5 weeks, instead choosing to pump her breast milk. Pumping never felt painful to me but it was annoying. You are a slave to the pump both in terms of what you can do while pumping (nothing) and where you have to be during the day (time between pumping). I pumped for 6 months. I felt that was the best thing that I could do for my baby, let alone for our bank account (formula is expensive). The phrase "no use crying over spilled milk" doesn't apply to breast milk. You work hard for every ounce.
I would like to think that for another baby I would exclusively breastfeed or pump again, but realistically I don’t know if I can commit to pumping when you add a toddler to the equation. We will have to see how it goes.
To this day, being unable to breastfeed my baby gives me the biggest feelings of regret and incompetence. My biggest feeling of failure.
Anxiety, Depression and Attachment
I have a history of anxiety and depression. I do not like talking about it because I feel like mental health issues have a bad stigma in our society. I don’t want people to look at me differently, but I feel that I need to talk about it because not enough people do.
My timeline may be off, but I started feeling depressed about 3 weeks after giving birth. It is very difficult to separate feelings of depression vs. new motherhood. You feel exhausted, emotional and irrational for both.
My biggest clue that something was wrong was that I could not sleep. I know that you don’t sleep when you have a newborn, but even when I felt I couldn’t keep my eyelids open for another second, I still couldn’t sleep. I would hear Sophie make noises in her sleep and it would wake me - I would stay awake until she woke up to eat which could be an entire hour later. I didn’t get more than 2 hours of sleep straight for at least 3 weeks. Even when I did get a full night’s rest (8 hours after my mother and aunt took a night shift), I still would wake up feeling exhausted like I had never slept at all. It was terrible.
I had no appetite and had to force myself to eat. I was pumping, too. When your body makes breast milk you burn calories like crazy and add that to not eating anything and you can guess I lost a lot of weight. I was down 5 lbs from my pre-pregnancy weight by 3 weeks. Don’t be mad just yet, I have put it all back on plus some by now.
To top it all off, I did not feel attached at all to Sophie. I found her to be annoying, constantly in need of something, she was never satisfied with what I was doing for her. Let me be clear - I NEVER WANTED TO HURT HER. However, I would not have minded if she went away. Or if I went away. I would fantasize about running away and leaving everyone behind. I cannot explain it, but I knew better and that my feelings of pain were temporary. My head knew I was wrong, but my heart felt differently - I needed help.
After seeing a psychiatrist, we adjusted my meds and I felt better in weeks. I was not expecting such good results so quickly. I only wish we had been more proactive knowing my history and had appointments lined up sooner, maybe I could have avoided some of my trouble.
Sophie has no idea that I felt that way, but I know and I hate that I remember how I felt early on. And no matter how much I love her now, I remember how at one time I didn’t. Aren’t parents supposed to have this immediate bond and love for their children? Michael and I discussed it and both agree it took us a while, but now we are both head over heels in love with our daughter so much that it hurts.
Can you have two biggest failures? Because this is pretty on par with the breastfeeding thing - regret and feeling inadequate.
Back to Work
I went back to work December 1st (9 ½ weeks) and Sophie went to daycare. Some mothers have a hard time dropping off their children for the first day, especially first children, but I was so looking forward to it. Going back to work gave me a “break” from being needed constantly. I could take a break to pee or eat lunch or make a phone call. It was wonderful!
I could not be more grateful to my bosses, Lenny and Jordan. They were so supportive of me throughout my pregnancy and even now. When I felt bad pumping at work on company time, it was no problem for them. I wish others had such a supportive work environment.
I am a better parent because of our time apart and when I come home we get to spend better quality time together instead of staring at the clock waiting for bedtime. Also, I think Sophie is better off going to daycare learning from the other kids and having more social interactions. It’s a win-win for us. Only thing that is a loss is how expensive it is, but that’s a different story altogether.
My Sophie Girl
I couldn’t imagine how much I could love my daughter. She is perfect in my eyes (ok I know she isn’t always but I am biased). The first 3 months were a challenge and adjustment, but we made it. Shortly after that became much more fun. We could actually play with Sophie and she became a real person with feelings. We quickly learned that Sophie is a very happy baby, extremely smiley and loves to explore.
My heart is so full of joy when I see Sophie playing with her fishbowl or walking on her walker or giving Bali kisses. I sometimes catch myself staring at the baby monitor just watching her sleep.
I can’t believe I blinked and now she is a year old. Things will be challenging at times, but I hope I can always think back to my little baby girl and remember how sweet and innocent she was, and how much love was pulsing through our family.
My wish for Sophie as she grows older is to always remember to be true to herself. I want her to know that if she works hard and is honest, with a little luck she can do anything. May she grow up to be as smart as she is beautiful and kind as she is sweet.
Michael, My Love
A person that I owe everything to is my husband, Michael. Thank you to him for letting me share my feelings on his blog. He has kept me sane throughout this year even when it seemed it wasn’t helping.
For those who don’t know, when we discovered that I was suffering from postpartum depression, Michael stepped up and did all the night feedings for a month so that I could sleep. He is an incredible father and support system for our family. Even when he does something “stupid” he means well and quickly makes up for it.
We both have our roles. He takes 99% of the morning shifts so I can sleep a little longer. He does loads of laundry and washes bottles. He does feedings and diaper changes. He has been instrumental in Sophie, Bali and I’s lives. We love you and thank you for all that you do.
I wanted to write this as a way of (1) remembering what happened and how I felt after the first year and (2) to maybe let others know that whatever you are feeling is normal. There is no cookie-cutter way to feel about motherhood, but we all get through it. I think I am a better person for it.
